27 March, 2011

Feeling lost & trying to fight the pain

Sometimes there are days that I just sit and cry.  Though I might not express it out to where my husband and children can always see it, my tears sob hard inside.  I look at the times when I just need my Dad the most for his wise advise and to listen to what he has to offer in my times of need.  He was always so open and understanding, and yet always made such a good point. 

Lately I've been needing him more then ever.  I have come to a very hard spot in my life and I feel like a child who has lost their way in crowded room.  I have to hide my emotions because I don't want to become a burden to my family. 

My 17 year old daughter will be graduating high school this coming May.  She would always talk to my dad (in her words... her "Grampa") about anything and everything.  He was always so proud of what she was becoming and what she had done to achieve her goals.  She would truthfully be the first to graduate high school of his children as well as his grand children (that were not of his step family).  He cheered her on each and every tiem he'd see her, asking how she's doing with school and always reminding her of how proud he was of her.  He cried to me one day just telling me how much he adored her and her efforts. 

Kayla worked very hard at getting her CNA license during her first semester of her senior year.  After losing her strongest motivator... she's progressed to where she feels too much pain and feels as if she doesn't want to continue through with school as hard as she originally did. 

Who can I call when I need my advice?  Who will call Kayla to cheer her on?  There's such an emptiness and so much pain after this loss and it just seems to get harder and harder each day. 

Dad how much I miss you... 

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