27 March, 2011

Feeling lost & trying to fight the pain

Sometimes there are days that I just sit and cry.  Though I might not express it out to where my husband and children can always see it, my tears sob hard inside.  I look at the times when I just need my Dad the most for his wise advise and to listen to what he has to offer in my times of need.  He was always so open and understanding, and yet always made such a good point. 

Lately I've been needing him more then ever.  I have come to a very hard spot in my life and I feel like a child who has lost their way in crowded room.  I have to hide my emotions because I don't want to become a burden to my family. 

My 17 year old daughter will be graduating high school this coming May.  She would always talk to my dad (in her words... her "Grampa") about anything and everything.  He was always so proud of what she was becoming and what she had done to achieve her goals.  She would truthfully be the first to graduate high school of his children as well as his grand children (that were not of his step family).  He cheered her on each and every tiem he'd see her, asking how she's doing with school and always reminding her of how proud he was of her.  He cried to me one day just telling me how much he adored her and her efforts. 

Kayla worked very hard at getting her CNA license during her first semester of her senior year.  After losing her strongest motivator... she's progressed to where she feels too much pain and feels as if she doesn't want to continue through with school as hard as she originally did. 

Who can I call when I need my advice?  Who will call Kayla to cheer her on?  There's such an emptiness and so much pain after this loss and it just seems to get harder and harder each day. 

Dad how much I miss you... 

10 March, 2011

Messenger's from Heaven

On Friday, October 29th my sister's sweet friend Kris came over the morning of my Dad's burial. She’d handed me a beautiful necklace that had a pendant of a butterfly on it. As she explained to me that every time you see a butterfly, they are messengers from heaven. But whenever you see a white butterfly, they are supposed to be spirits and special messengers. I thought, "how sweet, and what a great way to think of things."

The night of my Dad's burial was on the Saturday that we celebrated Halloween last year (2010). After all the commotion and the dinner and such, I thought about my kids and how they'd been deprived of being able to enjoy Halloween this year. I mustered up enough happiness to take them along with my husband, to go trick-or-treating. We went over to my sisters house and picked up Jayci and J.J.'s little cousin, Taylee to join us.

We went up the long street and back down again (by this time there were only about 6 or so houses that still had their lights on). As we reached the driveway of my Dad's house, headed for the house next to it, a little white butterfly suddenly started to flutter right in my face and the girls' faces. It was dark outside, but the light from the lamp post gave off plenty of light to see it was indeed a white butterfly.

I quickly turned to my husband (who was playing with his cell phone) and said "Look! Do you see that?!" Only to turn back just as quick and it was gone. He didn't see it, but Jayci and Taylee saw it. It was an incredible experience to see something like that while my heart was sobbing inside. I knew deep inside that it must have been my Dad letting me know that he was okay, he's happy, and that he'll still always be there for me. "Never fear, Daddy's near" was something he'd always remind me.

I will never forget the impact that had on me. 


Friday, October 29th was the morning of my Dad's viewing, and it was a very rough one for me.  I was in my Dad's office working hard on his computer to create his program.  I was also in the process of compiling a dvd of many of our family's favorite memories of him and quotes he'd say.  It would have music, photo's of him throughout his childhood on up to the present.  I had finished his program and emailed it off to the memorial place that was taking care of things. 

It was nearing 12 O'clock in the afternoon and I continued to work on the dvd,  My brother in-law, Brent was in the office with me keeping J.J. entertained.  J.J. was getting a little out of control and so Brent sat down with him and played with a bunch of toys.  As I'm working away and stressing about everything that needed to be done, I heard something that I'd never heard in his office before. 

I turned to look and Brent and J.J. were still sitting on the floor behind me playing.  As I looked around for the sound, I spotted an old antique clock of my Dad's.  I asked Brent "do you hear that?  I think the clock is ticking."  Brent's response was "I wasn't paying much attention, but yes I do hear it."  We both stood up to take a look at it, indeed it was ticking.  I went in and grabbed my bonus mom (Pat) and brought her into the room to show her. 

"This clock quit working about 10 years ago, it's never worked since", she exclaimed.  Tears came streaming to our eyes because it was incredible to see such a miracle.  I had a strong feeling it was my Dad.  Probably getting after me and telling me to stop wasting my time on this dvd, because my Dad was a selfless person.  He was always more concerned for those he loved, and would rather him be the last to worry about. 

The clock ticked strong through the following Sunday after everything had started to settle down, then it stopped.  Almost as if he said that he was proud of us and to rest.  The clock later began ticking again, probably just to let us know that everything was going to be alright.  It ticked strong for about a week, and then stopped. 

I believe in spirits and that those souls visit us to comfort us in times of need.  And, I'm sure that I'll have plenty more to come. 

Thanks Dad...  I love you.  <3

PS - I can thank my wonderful niece, Mellisa for editing such a wonderful photo of my Dad and Bonus Mom.  :)  She does wonderful photography and editing, you can visit her page at:  http://mellisasmoments.blogspot.com/  to view more of her work. 

09 March, 2011

Missing my Dad

After seeing how sick my Dad had gotten, I struggled throughout the whole year.  I was always fearing the worst because I knew it was nearing every day, yet I was as positive as possible for my Dad.  I didn't want to talk to him about his condition because I wanted to talk to my dad and make him feel comfortable... like there wasn't anything wrong with him. 

Was it wrong for me to think like this?  Was I in denial? 

From the day I had lost my Dad, my heart was torn to pieces and he'd taken a huge chunk of it with him.  I think about you every day Dad.  Especially when problems arise for me, I'm down, stressed, or just need to hear my Dad's voice.  I always have the urge to call you like I always did, just to chat and see how you were doing.  I miss those days. 

I hear your voice as if you're in the room with me, and I feel you holding me.  I think about all the wonderful things you have taught me throughout the years.  You taught me to work on my own car, use all of your woodworking tools, how to be strong in all I do, and how to always be there for someone.  You were always there for me whenever I needed you. 

On October, 26th 2010, just one week before your 70th birthday... I lost you.  Daddy, I will never forget your last words to me "I love you".  I will never forget the moment before you left, as you reached out for my hand and squeezed it so strongly and reached for your loving wife.  Then you drifted off and left us behind for you to watch over us.    I cry uncontrollably at the most oddest moments just because my heart hurts so deeply. 

He instilled in our hearts his traits, which we will carry on to our own, and the continuing generations.

He will be in God’s kingdom where he will maintain and beautify the gardens of heaven; preparing it to it’s best for when we, ourselves reunite with him.

The following is a poem I wrote about my father, David Lawrence Whetman.  I had recited this at his services. 

My Daddy, My Hero

In the many times
Of stress and strife
You always seemed
To give me life

A true friend we can turn to
When times are good or bad
And one of our greatest blessings
Is the man we call "Dad"

For every single day of my life
You have been there
As my protector, provider and advisor
Through all the struggle and strife

I would be lost
If you hadn't shown me the way
I don't know if I would have made it
Without you from day to day

I am so very lucky
For all you have done
Out of all Dad's
You're the very best one!

You were like a rock
Strong, faithful and true
What to do with my life
Now that I don't have you.

I was your last born
Daddy's little girl
You called me your peanut
And told me I was part of your world

You never looked for praises
And you were never one to boast
You just went on quietly working
For those you loved the most

Your dreams were seldom spoken
And your wants were very few
And most of the time your worries
Went unspoken too

You were there... a firm foundation
Through all our storms of life
A sturdy hand to hold
Through all the trouble, trials and strife

I love you now
As I did until then
I just hope one day
That I will see you again

I am so proud of you
Brave and strong to the end
Now when we ask "how are you"
There's no need to pretend

I always love you
You're my Dad and shining star
Now my pain is
To worship you from afar

While in God's Kingdom
The gardens you will stay
In which you'll prepare
Because we'll make the journey someday

When I was a baby
You would hold me in your arms
I felt the love and tenderness
Keeping me safe from harm

I would look up into your eyes
And all the love I would see
How did I get so lucky
You were the Dad chosen for me

There is something special
About a father's love
Seems it was sent to me
From someplace up above

Our love is everlasting
I just wanted you to know
That you're my special hero
And I wanted to tell you so

I love you Daddy! We ALL love you and miss you so much, sleep well and take care of God's garden for us.

PS - I can thank my wonderful niece, Mellisa for editing the wonderful photo of my Dad up top.  :) 
She does wonderful photography and editing, you can visit her page at:  http://mellisasmoments.blogspot.com/  to view more of her work.